Naruto in Simplified format aka for Dummies
by Thaeonblade
Summary: Fell behind on the anime/manga and dont feel like surfing through the internet/episodes to catch? This is the fanfic for you! Rated T for occasional language, random cracks on insert character, description of violence and etc. First Naruto fanfic enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Naruto is the property of Mashashi Kishimoto and this is a fanfiction and nothing more. A man can dream though...**

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**Naruto for Dummies**

Setting: The world of Naruto is set primarily in a world mixed between china, japan,uh...the middle east....and...uh...africa, so everyone's primarily sematic/asian and there's a few black people here and there. But anyway! The world is moved by a bunch of (_modern day?)_ secret ninja villages that are always at war with each other despite being in an age of peace. There are five major villages that are pretty much the USA, China, Russia, Great Britain, and...Germany of the world and they each have five leaders (called kages(_jap: shadows_)) that act as the power behind the vaguely mentioned non-ninja countries. The ninja's themselves utilize a mix between actual ninja arts and magic that's called chakra. (_But if there in the modern age and have computers and such...how can you keep your village secret from the internet...and are there any guns?)_

Mystical Undertone: Chakra is kind of like chi from DragonBall Z only much less powerful and a tad bit lamer. The ninja's perform handsigns and gestures to perform spells called jutsu that do stuff like: duplicating themselves, summoning oversized animals, manipulating the weather, defying/manipulating gravity, transforming into unnecessarily complex forms, choking people with your shadow, making someone's heart explode with a palm to their chest, sealing/unleashing demons, pulling out people's souls, mind rape, absorbing solar energy, and etc. So, a ninja's strength can range from Hercule to Mr. Manhatten(_not quite as all-powerful, but you get the picture, right?)_

Ranking scale: the ninjas are ranked in this order(_Ranks can also be deceptive, as a cadet could beat the crap out of chunin with the right jutsu and an anbu can somehow kill his whole clan full of jonin and chunin...again, it all depends on the individual_):

academy candidates: ninja trainees in school only instead of reading writing and arithmatic, the kids learn cheating, stealing, and killing with various skills/weapons(_and they complain about modern school systems!)_

genin: the lowest rank of the actual ninjas (_this is when they start wearing those really shiny headbands_) that are divided into 3-man squads lead by a jonin. They usually do work-horse jobs like mowing the lawn, putting puppies to sleep, and have the highest mortality rate amongst the ranks due to most being sent to missions that were more dangerous than they anticipated(_aren't ninjas supposed to be prepared for anything?!_) (**exp: Konohamaru**(_mini-Naruto with brown spiky hair_)

chunin: Once you pass some tournament based on team cooperation and care(_shouldn't ninjas care only for the mission?_), how well you can complete a task and follow every direction, and how skilled of a ninja you are and how well you use those skills in a fight(_even though you can lose and still become a chunin and then beat the strongest guys and still stay stuck as a genin...)._ They're the journeymen ninja, often sent to on vast scale of missions that can't be easily described, basically, a chunin could go on any kind of mission(_assuming that they're properly prepared_) and they also instruct the cannon-fodder at the academy whenever they're not going on life or death missions. (**exp: Iruka**(_guy with scar across his nose_)

semi-jonin(forgot japanese term): These are ninja who aren't quite elite ninja but can beat the crap out of the average chunin. These jonin specialize in one specific area and usually called on by other jonin to help in that area......Yeah, not much else to say about these guys. (**exp: Anko**(_girl with really suggestive outfit_)

jonin: Elite ninja that are well-versed in most forms of jutsu. While it hasnt been revealed as to how one goes about becoming a jonin, being a jonin is the equivilent of being a field general. EVERYONE(_except kage and maybe anbu_) reports to you in a combat situation. They're like the marines of the ninja army and are sent on missions involving other skilled enemy ninja. A really strong jonin can also stand up to an s-class, but this isnt encouraged(**exp: Kakashi**(_guy with spiky white hair with headband over left eye_)

anbu: They're the swat-ninjas, sent on confidential missions that would likely start a war or destroy someone's reputation if the missions were uncovered. They wear animal masks to hide their faces, carry badass katanas, and report directly to the kage for missions(_may take orders from jonin if commanded_). (**exp: Sai**(_pale emotionless guy that nobody likes_)

s-class: These are post-jonin ninjas that could destroy a whole army/village/country by themselves unless someone equal or stronger than them arrives to stop them....usually this doesn't happen(_in other words, don't f(beep) with an S-class unless you have some really good jutsu that can beat them without a doubt_!). Every major village has a bingo book of every other country's s-class and will often try to kill or convert them. But most of the time, a "flee on sight" order is issued whenever one of these guys are spotted so the bingo books are usually just there to take up space. (**exp: Naruto**(_why do I need to point this out? blond kid with bright orange jumpsuit_)

kage: Ninja leaders, whom usually end being the strongest in their village. As such, they're really isnt much need for a secret service for them as they can pretty much beat the crap out of anyone lower than an s-class. Most S-class' are either smart or weak enough to back down from such a challenge. (**exp: Tsunade**(_fifty year old who looks twenty with diamond on her forehead)_

Prologue to actual story:

Naruto's(**kid in bright orange jumpsuit**(_how the hell is he supposed to stay hidden with that outfit!?)_ backstory:

Well, there was some big war and these chakra beasts were created. After the war, the demons were captured and distributed to each of the major villages(villages with names and kages) instead of being destroyed(Why?!). Many decades passed and about a few years after another great war ended, one of these demons, a ninetails overdosed on steriods and possessed by a demon, came out of nowhere and attacked Konohagukure (_Ninja Village hidden in the Leaves...even though the huge wall and the statues in the moutain would be a bit of a give away_). Lots of people were killed, some kid got cut across the top of his nose around the same time that his parents were mutilated by the fox, and the village was pretty much screwed (_This isnt first nor will the last time this kind of thing happens_). Until the 4th hokage arrived on top of a frog and somehow defeated the demon (_How's a frog gonna help beat a ninetails!?_). But instead of doing the intelligent thing and killing the fox!! The Fourth pulled an Isildur and sealed the ninetails into the body of his newborn son, losing his life in the process (_the kages of this village have a tendency of doing that_), forcing the old Third hokage (_There can be two kages at the same time. Don't ask, I dont get it either...)_ to grudingly return to office, and condemning his son to twelve years of having to know what it was like to be black (except he just had a demon inside him, but the kids were just following their parent's lead in ignoring the 4th's wishes).

Sasuke's(**Emo/Angst kid with the spiky black hair**(_wonder if he's related to Goku or Cloud?_) backstory:

About seven or nine years after that happened, the Uchiha clan(a bunch of emo-ninjas who's eyes can detect and copy any jutsu) was completely massacred in one night by an Anbu captain named Itachi Uchiha(_Ironically, the clan was planning on launching a coup, so it's a bit conveniant that the clan was massacred around the same time huh?_), who had killed his best friend to advance his sharigan(clan jutsu centered in the eyes). No one really knows why he'd do this to his own clan(officially), but he left his younger brother alive with the memories of everyone he ever loved or cared about being mutiliated by his older brother(Think Itachi overdid it a bit, manga readers?). So, over the course of three or five years, Sasuke trained for the sole prospect of having his revenge on his older brother(which he would eventually regret) and became an emo-angst; coldly ignoring the affections of every girl and guy(wait what!? "breaks down laughing") in his quest to avenge his clan.

Not much to say about anyone else....except Kakashi recieved a sharigan donation from his dying comrade, Hinata was pretty much disowned by her own family for a lack of confidence, Shikamaru was always a lazy ass, Choji was made fun of for being fat, but still made friends Shikamaru(who doesnt care about anything), Lee can't use chakra based jutsu(he can do hand to hand stuff), Orochimaru was kicked out of Evil Organization for trying to rape an underaged member(Itachi) and ran away to create his own village, Gaara didnt have any friends, and that's everyone who matters!

Sakura: "Hey!! What about me!?"

Author: "Again...everyone who matters."

Sakura: "But I'm a main character-"

Author: "Have you actually done anything in the entire series!?"

Sakura: "Well-"

Author: "Hold that thought until the next installment; but for now, GET THE F(beep) OUT OF MY FACE!!!"

Sakura: "Runs away crying...and nobody cares"

Itachi: "A bit harsh on the girl, arent we?"

Author: "Don't even get me started on why you can't talk..."

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**Author's notes: Really did this on a humor whim, so if you(the readers) think I should keep going, then post your reviews(good or bad, love it or hate it) and I'll continue if I get more than 10 reviews...Thanks for reading!! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Naruto is the property of Mashashi Kishimoto and this is a fanfiction and nothing more. A man can dream though...Also, any reference made to the real world is not intended to attack or bash said reference, it's just there for the fun of it...**

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**Naruto for Dummies**

Nagging Ninja Naruto: Since everyone hates him because of the nine-tails inside him, Naruto grows into a trouble making delinquent with a near impossible dream of becoming hokage so that everyone will love and respect him(_heh heh, love and respect, not taking into account the numerous daily assasination attempts made on kages_). But there's a problem, he's a complete dunce in the academy with his only working technique being an instant sex change jutsu. So, he's failed at first and manipulated by some other chunin(_this is the only time that you'll see him except for flashbacks and filler, so his name isn't worth remembering_) into stealing a scroll of forbidden jutsu(_somehow sneaking past a dozen jonin and chunin...does anyone else see something wrong with this picture?_) and give it to the chunin. Fortunately, Naruto's teacher, Iruka, happens on the scene just in time for dramatic revelation stuff(_blah blah blah, Naruto is the nine-tailed fox blah blah_) to happen that ends with Iruka taking an oversized shuriken to the back to protect Naruto.

The fact that someone gives a damn about him drives Naruto to use a jutsu that he skimmed from the scroll and summoned over a hundred clones of himself and beat the crap out of the guy who tricked him(_this is one of the few times that this jutsu will actually do that_). So Iruka makes Naruto a genin(_cloning yourself x100 and beating chunin seems to warrent test score overlooking_) and becomes the closest thing to a father that Naruto ever had(_and will remain on Kishimoto's death note for a while_).

So Naruto becomes an official genin and makes the third hokage's grandson, konohamaru, into his future mini-me(_just read the manga and you'll know what I'm talking about_). He reports in with the rest of the genin and everyone who matters(_the rookie 9_) get assigned to the following teams:

Team 7: The emotional drama group due to the fact that everyone(_discounting Sakura_) has had some emotionally scarring happen in their lives

Naruto: Bit of a dumbass, but has unlimited chakra(pros of having demon inside you), very perseverant(_if he saw a stop sign going off a cliff, he'd probably keep walking and fall off the cliff_) and can relate to the many outcasts that they encounter for obvious reasons(_fox, no parents, everyone hates you, jumpsuit_).

Sasuke: Prodigy of the rookie 9, last of the uchiha clan(_wonder how he plans to fix that?),_ wants to kill brother, really anti-social and emo. He also has a never ceasing harem of fangirls and fanboys(_?!_) chasing after him for....partytime?

Sakura: Somehow I get the feeling that she's just along for the ride(_kinda like Palin_)...sure she's smart and has good control over chakra. But she never really does anything except drool over Sasuke, hit and belittle Naruto, and complain to Kakashi(_how she got by without a slap across the face is beyond me_).

Kakashi: He's the Heero Yuy of the group and pretty much the best jonin in Konoha(_as time passes on, you'll know what I mean_). Part of the reason is because his friend died awhile back and gave his sharingan eye to Kakashi, so he can now plagerize anyone else's technique and use it for himself(_as long as it's not an inherited tech_(kekkei genkai)).

Team 8: The BloodHound Squad

Hinata: The most respectible of the konoha 9 kunoichi and yet, the least appreciated. Everyone sees her as weak because of her hesistant nature and her daddy isnt helping this at all(_he thinks that somehow her seven year old sister is better?_). She also has a huge ultra mega crush on Naruto that he somehow fails to notice despite how obvious it is(_Not to say that there isnt hope though_).

Shino: Silent guy of the group who lets bugs carve out his body in exchange for utilization of horror and surprise techniques based around bugs(_Can he also take out roaches? That would be really helpful in a lot of spots_)

Kiba: really loud guy who acts and senses like a dog in combat. He also carries around a puppy named Akamaru who also helps sniff out stinky targets(couldn't he have found a golden shepard?(_Last I checked, puppies arent very handy in combat except against Naruto_))

Kurenai: The kind of woman who you wouldn't want as an enemy. She's a genjutsu master and I don't even want to think of what all she could fool her enemies into seeing. She's also Asuma's love interest, but Kishimoto insists on leaving a question mark over this well into Shippuden(_He does to a lot of potential couples_).

Team 10: The Ensnare and Trap Squad

Shikamaru: the lazy-ass genius(**IQ: 200**) of the rookie 9, usually likes to lay back and watch the clouds or play chess-related games. Did I fail to mention that he can paralyze/strangle people with his shadow?(_If he were evil...Shikamaru would be a scary villian_)

Ino: blond girl with no pupils and can transfer her mind to other people's bodies(_What a brave soul she must be to walk into a mind without knowing what is within, Exp: Joker_).

Choji: guy who's rarely seen without something in his mouth and is noticibly fat which is where his jutsu is based around(_see, choji is an example of why a little meat on your bones won't hurt but help you_)

Asuma: fights with knives that look like bear claws sometimes and smokes(_a lot_). He's also the third hokage's son, but this isnt revealed for awhile for some reason(_guess he and the old man had a falling out at some point_)

Moving on, Kakashi decides to test Team 7 by challenging them to take two bells from his belt and whoever fails doesn't get lunch(_should've eaten a huge breakfast_). Naruto misses the whole point of being a ninja(_attack from the shadows with silent stealth_) and tries to engage Kakashi directly, but gets anally penetrated(_no red flag though_) and has his clones turned against him. Sakura gets hit by a genjutsu and she's done in pretty fast(_but should we suprised? really_?). Sasuke touches a bell and tries to roast Kakashi like a ham, but gets pulled into the ground(_yeah, the prodigies always have to be put into place_).

So Kakashi gives them shit about not working as a team and makes them feel worse by telling them about the KIA memorial statue and how he'd seen comrades die and angsty stuff like that(_this won't be the last time either...theres lots of angsty stuff in this series_). Then coups out and passes them after a really anti-climatic second chance. Thus begins the amazing journey of four friends and their transformation from a team into a family(_Yeah, a good ninja needs sentimental ties_).

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**Author's notes: Decided to go ahead and write another installment, even though I wonder if I should skip the Zabuza arc altogther...What do you guys think?Thanks for reading!! :) **

**Reviews always help! Even one worded ones!**

**Thanks to Jessica for the review, your input was simple yet helpfully to the point**


	3. Chapter 3

**Copyright: Naruto is the property of Mashashi Kishimoto and this is nothing more than a shameless parody, so stop dialing your lawyers....SERIOUSLY..DO YOU NOT SEE THE COPYRIGHT?!..PUT DOWN THE PHONE PLEASE....PLEASE?!?!**

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**Two Arcs with one Stone!**

The Bridgebuilder Arc:

Yeah...not much to say about this saga. Team Kakashi gets employed to protect a bridgebuilder from random thugs and bandits on his way home. But not only did the old man lie to underpay for the job, but now Team Kakashi has to fight two jonin-level rouges. Zabuza**(badass final fantasy cosplayer)** and Haku**(likes to wear mime masks).** We see the extent of Kakashi's plagerism abilities, Sasuke gets owned, Naruto's iq increases along with his angry demon powers, and Sakura....stays useless. Yeah...not much more say...soo...

MOVING ON TO THE SAGA EVERYONE CARES ABOUT!

The Chunin Exams:

All of the rookie teams get drafted to enter a promotion exam where they're chances of survival start off at 60/40 and drastically decrease as they advance further and further. This is further complecated by some new characters:

Kankuro: A puppet master who uses Slasher-film themed puppets to kill or cripple his enemies...and it looks awesome. But without the puppets...he can't do much else.

Temari: One of the most badass females in the series...because she takes out Tenten in....a few seconds **(not counting the anime)**...with a wind fan.

Gaara: An anti-social redhead who likes to crush people with sand. He's also a jinchuruki like Naruto...only the exact opposite **(Evil, bloodthirsty, not annoying and Akatski doesn't lose anyone trying to capture him)**

Orochimaru: Creepy pedophile who likes snake-themed jutsu and botox. He also steals people's bodies to prolong his life. This guy's the main villian for a good part of the series...then get's pushed aside when Akatski shows- whoops! Didn't mean for the spoiler folks!

1st Exam: A written test! Seriously, the test is so hard that unless you sacrificed a social life to get book smart(**cough 'sakura'**), then you can either put your head down on your paper until the test is over or cheat and not get caught. Cause if you're caught, your team goes with you...a signature in the Death Note by the way. This test is nice because it tests information gathering skills **(a skill that ninjas actually use!)**, but...since the instructor gets soft at the end with some..."Teamwork Ethic", you can pass as long as you don't sell out your team...yeah. **Proof of how easy it is to pass: Naruto passed without answering a single question....**

2nd Exam: FREE FOR ALL!! That's right! It's a five-day fight to the death over some scrolls of paper. It's supposed to test something about....obeying orders without question within a time limit or something...But it's not very important...people die, that's all that matters! Gaara crushes people with sand, Shino sets some giant leeches on random ninjas, Sasuke gets a hinky from Orochimaru which happens to be cursed and breaks someone's arms, Naruto actually proves himself, Rock Lee owns and gets owned...and Sakura...cuts her hair...that's about as useful as she gets.

3rd Exam/part 1: Actually, since 20**(Was 21, but Kabuto pulled out)** out 200 ninjas survived, the high-ups decided to have a tournament style contest to decide who goes to the final exam and so they do!

Sasuke vs random Orochimaru villian #1:

Shino vs Air-pressure sound ninja with broken arms: air-pressure ninja regains use of arms and therefore can potentially destroy Shino. That is if Shino didn't plant bugs in his arms that blocked off his chakra circulation, causing the guy's arm to violently blow off.

Winner: Shino**(in the most ninja-like fashion)**

Kankuro vs random Orochimaru pawn # 2: This pawn steals attacks straight out of Monkey D. Luffy's book and tries to strangle Kankuro. Then Kankuro uses his freaky puppet to strangle the pawn into submission. What was stopping Kankuro from killing the pawn?

Winner: Kankuro

Ino vs Sakura: If you were hoping for a cat fight involving teenage beauties ripping each other's clothes and pulling off epic attacks...you will be sorely dissapointed. They pretty much slap and punch other till both of them fall down.

Winner: No one **(Surprised? you shouldn't be)**

Tenten vs Temari: Ignore the anime version...this fight litterally took a few seconds. But if you watch the anime, you'll see Tenten pull off some midair scroll dance and throw lots and lots of sharp objects and weapons at Temari....that miss and then Temari uses her fan to blow the weapons into a cyclone around Tenten. Then...Tenten lands on Temari's fan, back-first and gets thrown onto the cutting hazardous floor, fortunately Lee saves her.

Winner: Temari, current holder for fastest match ever.

Shikamaru vs Bell Sound Ninja: Lazy slacker shows strategic/tactical supremacy rarely seen from these kids. Shame that he only caused the girl to hit her head on a wall. Winner: Shikamaru

Naruto vs Kiba and Akamaru: Naruto spends most of the fight getting mauled by Kiba and his cute little puppy. But since the show's called Naruto, the hero has to win or lose awesomely and Naruto does just that. But had to fart in Kiba's face to do it.

Winner: Naruto **(through protagonist power and sheer dumb luck!)**

Neiji vs Hinata: This is why we all loved Hinata and hated Neiji. She fights with everything she has and he fights with all of the bastardness in his blood. The fight itself is awesome given that both of these kids can literally kill you with a palm to your chest. But alas, Hinata nearly dies and nearly every jonin stepped in to stop Neiji from killing the poor girl.

Winner: Neiji, but Hinata earns Naruto's notice and everyone's respect/admiration

Gaara vs Rock Lee: The best fight in this whole arc. The taijutsu boy wonder and the sand demon push each other to the heights of Dragon Ball Z. Everyone's eyes widen as Lee's fist slams into Gaara's face, time and time again. But the conclusion saddens us so much.

Winner: Both; though Gaara got the fight, Rock Lee proves himself as a badass ninja**(and it only cost him his arm and leg!)**

Choji vs Dosu **(The only sound ninja everyone remembers...other than Kabuto)**: Choji tries to run Dosu over and Dosu sends a crippling vibration through the plumb kid's body.

Winner: Dosu **(But really, should we be surprised?)**

3rd Exam/Intermission:

That's right...they decide to give everyone a month to train and to clean up all of the bodies and damage in the forest of death and the prelim arena. But not before using numbered balls to decide who fights who instead of a computer**(Because everyone knows that you'll know who your fighting a month before you fight!)**

Naruto vs Neiji: The battle for Hinata's honor!

Sasuke vs Gaara: The battle to end all battles!

Shino vs Kankuro: Creepy puppet master vs Creepy bug stalker!

Shikamaru vs Dosu: Shadow vs Sound!

Temari vs whoever wins in the fourth match: Wind vs Shadow or Sound!

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**Author's Notes: Thanks for being patient! I know that I'm bad with updates, but it's not to drive all of you insane!**

**Ninja No-Name: Yes...yes I know...thank you!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Copyright: Naruto is the property of Mashashi Kishimoto and this is nothing more than a shameless parody, so stop dialing your lawyers....SERIOUSLY..DO YOU NOT SEE THE COPYRIGHT?!..PUT DOWN THE PHONE PLEASE....PLEASE?!?!**

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Third Round of the Chunin Exams...Interrupted arc!!!

So Kakashi decides to completely neglect his teaching duty and intrust Naruto's training to a specialist jonin with sunglasses. Meanwhile, Kakashi dissappeers into the wild with Sasuke and they train on top of a mountain, by themselves...all by themselves...._(No! they didn't do that!)_

Anyway, the specialist gets knocked out by the stereotypical wise and old, perverted sage(name's Jiraiya in this show) who uses frogs in his-

"TOADS! I USE TOADS!! WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL ME...THE T-OA-DE SAGE!!"

Point taken, anyway, the sage inapropriately touches Naruto to undo Orochimaru's seal and starts teaching him to walk on water.

"Like Jesus!?"

".....Yes Naruto....like...Jesus..."

"So...does that mean Jesus was a ninja?"

"Yes Naruto, Jesus...was a ninja."

"Really!?"

"NO NOT REALLY!!"

Meanwhile, back in the Leaf Village...the only sound nin to pass the prelims decides that he doesn't like his easy set-up to advance(_he would have fought Shikamaru_) and decides to jump Gaara(_This is actually an authentic ninja manuever of assassination...if only he hadn't paused for a conversation...)._ The latter of whom....uses a giant avalanche of sand to litterally stretch pieces of the sound ninja across the roof of someone's house. At about the same time, the sick guy who proctored the prelims catches wind of an allied assault between the Sand and Sound villages against Konoha. But he gets caught and then tries go Ruronai Kenshin on the Sand jonin....the crows were picking at him the next morning.(_Why do people like him!?)_

So the konoha jonin have a town hall meeting and decide that something isn't right about the tournament _(yeah...psychotic sand demon possessed child, the shady stuff that has been going on in the background, snake-like pedophile planning your doom, and it takes a meeting to figure it out?!) _and decide...to keep an eye out for trouble while continuing with the tournament to advertise the might of their village _(I thought ninjas are supposed to be strike unseen and...nevermind!)_

Meanwhile Jiraiya decides that Naruto isn't progressing fast enough and pushes him into a spike-lined bottomless pit of doom in order to force him to summon a decent sized frog or....need it be said? _(This is does sound close to what a ninja would demand...succeed or die) _So Naruto confronts the nine-tailed fox and gets some rent (power) to save his live...and summons the largest frog in the series:

Gamabunta: A giant smoking Frog who's very stare will instill the fear of amphibians for the rest of your life! Gamabunta calls Naruto on bullshit and decides to try and knock Naruto off him of for the rest of the day. It was only after Naruto was lying on the edge of death that Gama looked at the summon contract and realized that the loud-mouth was telling the truth. _(why didn't Naruto just show the contract in the first place!?)_

Naruto wakes up in the hospital the next day. He meets up with Shikamaru and decide to pay a visit to Lee and meet up with someone that they always love to hang with: psychotic Gaara, trying to strangle poor Lee with his sand on a bloodlust whim. _(Where is security!!?)_ They stop the little psycho and learn that the kid is possessed by a sand armored demon raccoon and that his father has been hiring assassins to kill him since he was six years old. _(Well then! that explains everything!)_ Despite the fact that Gaara clearly needs help, Naruto mentally sympathezies with Gaara along the lines of: being possessed by an oversized demon, everyone hating/trying to kill you because of the demon, and growing up as an outcast. _(The differences are painfully obvious however) _

Fortunately, Lee's sensei, Might Guy, appears before Gaara slaughters the two genin and Gaara leaves....after warning Naruto not to **** with him or he'd kill the little fox.

Forward to the morning of the tournament: Naruto is having a depression attack for several reasons: He gets to fight one of the strongest genin in the village; If he wins then he'll have to fight either sand-psycho or sasuke; and if he wins then he'll either have to fight: A puppet master, a fellow genin who can swarm you with parasitic bugs, a genius who can manipulate the shadows, a hottie who can blow you away with an oversized fan and then break a bone with said fan, and a creepy guy who can use sound waves to mess you up. _(Okay it was more along the lines of the first two, but the last point is worth mentioning) _Along the way he meets Hinata and have a heart-to heart talk about courage, never giving up, and the usually uplifting stuff which ends with Naruto admitting that he likes people like Hinata. _(What does the girl always have meet see Reaper to....nevermind)_

After some mischief with Konohamaru, Naruto arrives at the tournament where the only rules to be remembered are: You can kill your opponant, but the proctor may stop the fight before it comes to that _(don't count on it though)_; the battle is an evaluation of your overall skill as a ninja, therefore even if you lose your fight, you may be judged worthy to be a chunin, but is also means that nobody could be worthy of a promotion; Also, the more you win, the more chances to prove yourself you get; and try to survive because there will be no promotions of dead ninja!!

1st Match: Naruto vs Neiji!! Possessed Idiot vs Cursed Genius!!

Result:...Do I even need to say it? Naruto survives Neiji's five strike palms of death, his human cyclone technique, his powerful angst derived from having a swastika _(not made up)_ branded on his forehead that places him in domestic slavery _(If he so much as makes the wrong gesture, his clan-leaders mindrape him),_ the tragic story about his father being sacrificed in place of the clan heads and then wins by pulling a Ryu from a quickly dug tunnel in the ground and knocks Neiji to the ground. Victorious, he activates Persuasion no jutsu to Tell Neiji to "Cowboy Up", translation: Man up and quit your whining cause no one gives a ****!!" _(Not quite as bluntly but you get the point right?)_

Funnily enough: Neiji immediately forgives his uncle for being too much of a pussy to stand up for his twin brother and decides to adopt a positive outlook on life. _(But the mind-numbing swastika is still on you!! What has changed!!?!?)_

2nd Match: Sasuke vs Gaara!! The Battle to end all Battles!!

Actually...Sasuke was late and therefore should have been disqualified. But since so many people wanted to see him, they pushed the match back and gave Gaara some little orphen girls to tithe him over. _(Surprised?)_

3rd Match: Shino vs Kankuro!! BugLord vs Puppet Master

Kankuro gave up because he didn't want to reveal something. This only ticks off the audience even more, so on to the next match.

4th Match: Shikamaru vs Temari! Shadow Sloth vs Wind Babe!!

Result: Surprises everyone...Shikamaru uses his 200+ IQ to lure Temari near the tunnel Naruto dug out in his fight and captures Temari by using the shadow in the tunnel. Then he gives up.....but still gets promoted to chunin. _(Wait....Dead-Last beats Genin Genius, Expert Ice Assassin, Giant Snake, and an experienced Chunin but never gets a mention of promotion, while lazy ass genius gives up match when he is about to win and gets promoted? What was the council on!?)_

Delayed 2nd Match: See 2nd Match

Kakashi and Sasuke leaf teleport into the arena _(about an hour after they were supposed to be there!!)_ and the Battle of battles is about to begin. But not before we see Gaara crush and splatter some random ninja on his way to the field. Sasuke shows off some taijutsu that he stole from Rock Lee and a slightly weaker version of Kakashi's Lightning Blade known as Chidori _(a thousand chirping birds because it litterally sounds like lots of birds chirping at once)_.

Result: The match ends when Gaara throws a nervous fit over being poked _(By that I mean stabbed by an electrically-charged fist)_ in the shoulder. Then the Kazekage reveals himself as Orochimaru _(I thought disguises were supposed to be easy for ninja to see through!)_, takes the Hokage hostage, and initiates his ultimate plan:

OPERATION: KILL EVERYONE IN KONOHA, DESTROY EVERYTHING, BLOW UP EVERYTHING....BLOW IT UP AGAIN, AND AGAIN, BLOW THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF IT!!! BLOW THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF IT SOME MORE!!! KEEP BLOWING THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF ****!!!!

Oh! Kabuto also puts most of the people in the stands asleep so that he and is steathily placed team of elite sound assassins can do their dirty work....or watch Orochimaru and the Third Hokage duke it out. (You know which one they pick)...

Will Naruto be able to wake up from his dream of sexy jutsu Hinata? Will Orochimaru be able to claim his revenge? Will Sasuke's improvements help at all? Are Temari and Sasuke destined for one another? Will Sakura do something useful? (No) Is this Hiruzen Sarutobi's last stand? (Epically yes) All of the unanswered questions will be answered in the next installment of Naruto for Dummies!!

Tobi: When does Tobi enter the story!!?

Author: ....What are you doing here?

Tobi: Tobi is good boy..."shows sharingan"

Author: ....It was matter of time I suppose.

"Two Hours later"

Author: Couldn't hit the bastard!...Oh Well, see you next time folks!

* * *

**Author's Notes: Thanks for being patient! I know that I'm bad with updates, but it's not to drive all of you insane!**

**Ninja No-Name: Yes...yes I know...thank you!**


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